Dear James,

Thank you for educating me in the art of denim. I had no idea there were so many shades. But I think you have reached your denim quota of a lifetime, so you must find a new material to wear.

Sincerely,

Liz

P.S. May I suggest leather.

Dearest Jeremy and Richard,

It has been such a long while since I have knit-picked your fashion choices. So let’s see what you have been up to in my absence.

My darling oaf, a black winter coat is a classic pick. Good job. But I don’t know how I feel about one of Jame’s floral shirts peeking out at the time. All in all Jeremy, nothing much has changed since the last I’ve picked on your outfits. Considering that a good sign.

And now for our resident elf, Richard… No complains here. Looking damn fine, my man. Just carry on. Keep doing what ever you are doing, because it working. 

Sincerely,

Liz

P.S. Moon shoes, Jeremy, need I remind you which decade we are in?

Dearest Jeremy, James and Richard,

My darlings, forgot to look in the mirror before stumbling out of the caravan you all seem to have been sharing?

James, the jeans are working, I’ll give you that, but the shirt. We have gone over this formula before denim + denim ≠ an outfit fit for society. In this situation, a floral print shirt would be acceptable. It is also acceptable next to my bed.

My curly haired oaf, what do we have here? Dark jeans, good. Blue shirt, great. Ill fitting tan jacket, no. Just leave it in the back of James’ car.

And Hammond, jeans, striped button down AND a denim jacket. You must be desperate for some attention. Those stripes will not make you look taller, don’t listen to Clarkson next time. James wants his jacket back.

All in all boys, maybe I should be the one to dress you and undress you.

Sincerely,

Liz

Dearest Jeremy,

I was not informed that you changed careers from a tv host of a motoring show to a printmaking teacher that is about to give a lecture. Don’t get me wrong, that shade of blue looks great on you, it matches your eyes. But that design is a bit lacking not like you m’dear. Next time, pick a pattern that James would choose or something a little plainer.

And for that blazer, once again, printmaking teacher about to give a lecture. NO. Change it up with some tweed (the Doctor would approve), or go with the classic black or navy blue blazer which makes any outfit and anyone (not like you need improving, darling) look a bit more dapper.

Your hair looks less pubey than usual, that is a plus.

Sincerely,

Liz

PS: Don’t forget the tweed, you can always borrow James’ tweed blazer. I am sure he would let you if you did him a couple of favors.

Darling James,

I must ask, are you channeling your inner Sherlock with that blazer and the Pink Shirt of Sex?

That black blazer looks wonderful, very slimming neck line. So why haven’t we seen it again? (Oh I know why, here’s what happened: Jeremy saw you in it and couldn’t control his lust for you, so he ripped it right off of you, with his teeth. And for miles around, Hamsters turned gay and the Stig wore his helmet upside-down. It was wonderful.)

Sincerely,

Liz

PS: If you ever find the remains of your blazer, please contact me, I can show you were to put the needle.